Little Red Riding Hermione or The Quest For Clover
by EvylNabikula
Summary: Hermione is sent into the Forbidden Forest...and everyone else comes along for the scenery. Plus: Mary-Sue dies!


This time is a bit different. Not only do I use HP characters, which are not mine, I also use Bugs Bunny, which has been not mine a lot longer.  
  
Introducing FFFP Sprout and Dobby!  
  
Dedicated to the guy in the Joe Boxer commercials. Keep on keeping on, Smiley.  
  
The Fractured Fairytales Fingerpuppet Players meekly present:  
  
Little Red Riding Hermione.  
  
::Fred and George step from behind the curtains on stage::  
  
George::grinning proudly:: "Well,well,well. The Fractured Fairytales Fingerpuppet Players have managed to scare off someone else."  
  
Fred::grinning also:: "Yes, wherever shall we find another censor?"  
  
::They look at each other and nod. Then they look back at the audience::  
  
Both: "McGonagall"  
  
McGonagall::from offstage::"No!"  
  
Fred::shrugs:: "Oh, well."  
  
George: "However, we have been able to lure back our beloved narrator."  
  
Fred: "Yeah, with lots of drugs."  
  
Narrator::looking wild-eyed around the room:: "Someone stop those colors! They hurt my ears!"  
  
::Fred and George look at each other once again::  
  
George:"Well, time to start the show."  
  
Narrator: "Bad, bunny! Bad!"  
  
Fred:"Oh, snap out of it!"::zaps the narrator with his wand::  
  
Narrator::blinks and looks around the room. Notices the script in her lap and the chains running from a hook on the floor to her ankles:: "Awww, crap!"  
  
Dobby::pokes his head from between the curtains:: "We'sa doing show now? I LIKE SOCKS!"  
  
::Fred and George pulling Dobby behind the curtains with them:: "Get on with it!"  
  
Narrator::reads the script::"Fractured Fairytales Fingerpuppet Players unforgivably present...Little Red Riding Hermione?"  
  
::curtains draw open to reveal the stage setup like one of Sprout's greenhouses::  
  
Guy:"Since when do people grow gardens in the dungeon?"  
  
Fantasy RP Fanatic: "One time, I was playing as a goat and we came across a dungeon with a shoe tree."  
  
::Everyone stares blankly at him.::  
  
RPr: "They were very nice shoes."  
  
::blank stares::  
  
RPr::looks around:: "Oh! Right! Wrong parody."::smiles sheepishly and leaves::  
  
Narrator:"Ooookay...Anyway, it was a normal day in Herbology when Grand- Professor Sprout-ma realised she was out of clover"  
  
Hermione: "Actually, she has some on her desk."  
  
Sprout: "But I'm all out of the ones I want. I need a volunteer.::  
  
Mary-Sue::raises her hand:: "I'll do it!"  
  
Hermione: "Didn't you die in the first play?"  
  
Mary-Sue: "So? I'm allowed to come back."  
  
Hermione: "No. That's the whole point of dying. Not coming back."  
  
Sprout: "Hermione, since you've volunteered, I think it's only fair to warn you. The clover I want is somewhere in the Forbidden Forrest."  
  
Hermione: "But I didn't volunteer. Mary-Sue did."  
  
Sprout::shrugs:: "You act so much alike."  
  
Mary-Sue: "Bet I can find the clover before you!"  
  
::An errant bludger flies out of nowhere and hits Mary-Sue::  
  
Mary-Sue:"What a crappy way to die!"::dies::  
  
::audience cheers::  
  
Heckler: "That rocked!"  
  
Sprout::hands Hermione a red cloak:: "This will keep you safe from harm in the forest."  
  
Hermione: "Wouldn't bright colors be more noticeable and therefore more likely to attract danger?"  
  
Sprout:"...so?"  
  
Narrator: "So, Herminoe set out into the Forbidden Forest."  
  
Guy: "But she's just standing there and everyone else is walking off stage. Why won't anyone leave the friggin' dungeon?"  
  
Hermione: "I did. I'm in the Forbidden Forest now. It just looks suspiciously like Snapes's dungeon."  
  
Guy: "No it doesn't. The real Forbidden Forest looks like a forest."  
  
Hermione: "Have you ever been there?"  
  
Guy: "Well, no, but..."  
  
Hermione: "Then how do you know I'm not there right now?"  
  
Guy: "Because I see you...STANDING IN THE DUNGEON!"  
  
Narrator: "Just pretend! She's in the forest. Anyway, as Herminoe traveled through the forest, she came accross the Big..Bad...REMUS!"  
  
Remus: "Hey, Hermione! What's in the basket?"  
  
Hermione: "I don't have a basket."  
  
Remus::pats her on the head and says soothingly:: "Don't worry, my dear. You'll get one soon enough."::walks offstage::  
  
Heckler: "That sucked!...I don't get it."  
  
::Snape comes on stage::  
  
Hermione: "Weren't you turned into an ostrich?"  
  
Snape::drily::"No. I'm the scarecrow."  
  
Hermione: "There's no scarecrow in 'Little Red Riding Hood'"  
  
Snape::forcibly:: "If I only had a" ::lip curls:: "brain"  
  
::Fred and George can be heard snickering::  
  
Hermione:"Er...you wouldn't happen to know where I can find some clover, would you?"  
  
Snape::monotone:: "That way"::points in three directions at once::  
  
Snape fans::stare:: "I think that's too weird even for us..."::look at each other:: "Nah!"::give him a standing ovation::  
  
Hermione::to snape:: "Thanks...I think. By the way, why are you still wearing that dress?"  
  
Snape: "50 points from Gryffindor for noticing!" ::leaves::  
  
::Cho Chang and Harry come onstage::  
  
Harry and Hermione: "What are you doing here?"  
  
Hermione: "I'm looking for clover for Professor Sprout, remember?"  
  
Harry: "Oh? We just rolled in some just a few feet back."  
  
::Cho gives him The Look::  
  
Harry: "Er..I meant'strolled"  
  
::Slashers boo. Hetters cheer. Cho and Harry walk off stage holding hands. The audience gags, except the hetters, who sigh::  
  
SpyOfNabiki: "I need to get a life."  
  
Narrator: "I agree. So Hermione came to the clover."  
  
Guy: "She didn't even move!"  
  
Narrator: "She's a witch. She can do that."  
  
Guy: "She didn't even wave her wand!"  
  
Hermione::speaking loudly to get Guy's attention:: "Here's the clover!"::bends over and picks up air. Puts her empty fist into her pocket:: "Now to take this back to Professor Sprout"  
  
::Ron runs across stage dressed like a femal opera singer, complete with viking helmet. Sings as he runs:: "Kill the wabbit! Kill the wabbit!"  
  
Bugs bunny::wallks onstage, munching a carrot:: "Mnyah. Silly, ain't he?"::walks offstage::  
  
Hermione::blinks:: "Uuuuh...what just happened?"  
  
Guy: "Forget this! I'm gonna' go watch the new Matrix movie!"::leaves::  
  
Draco: "My Aquanet(tm) keeps my hair really stiff and shiny...just the way I like it.::big grin, two thumbs up, oily smile(Insert your own personal joke here)::  
  
::Crabbe, Goyle and Bulstrode sit at a table with a box of Life(tm) cereal in front of them::  
  
Goyle: "I don't want to try it."  
  
Crabbe: "Give it to Milicent. She'll eat anything."  
  
::Milicent eats the cereal, then the spoon, then the bowl. Smiles for her close up. The camera breaks.::  
  
Narrator::sighs:: "Any more plugs?"  
  
Dumbledore: "Just one. When my tounge is parched and my throat feels like the Sahara, only one drink will do. Pumpkin Juice.(if it's tm'd by anyone then it's JKR)::takes a drink and smiles:: Aaaah! Isn't that right, Gilderoy?"  
  
Gilderoy::stares into two mugs::"Two beers or not two beers...What was the question?::hiccups::  
  
Narrator::stares blankly:: "Now that we're quite done 'paying our bills..."  
  
Draco: "We didn't get paid for anything."  
  
Narrator::angrily:: "ANYWAY!"  
  
::Voldemort runs onstage, looks around and knocks out Hermione::  
  
Voldemort: "Now no one can defeat me!" ::evil laugh::  
  
Hagrid::runs onstage with a big axe:: "I have come to save you from the Big Bad Remus!"  
  
Voldemort: "Thanks for the offer, but I think I've got this under control."  
  
Hagrid::raises axe::"I will chop you up for eating Hermione and Grand- Professor Sprout-ma!"  
  
Voldemort: "What in the world are you talking about!?"  
  
Narrator::shocked:: "Someone's actually following the script!"  
  
::Hagrid runs at Voldemort and chops him up. Everyone else watches in horror. Madame Pomfrey revives Hermione with cold water::  
  
Fred and George::run onstage:: "You were'nt really to chop anybody up!"  
  
Hagrid:"Then why's the script say, 'Really chops up Remus."  
  
Snape::comes onstage:: "I meant for you to really chop up Remus...but, I suppose Voldemort works too."  
  
Filch::looks at the stage::"Yes that's fine for some, but I'm the one that has to clean this b***dy mess."  
  
::laugh track rolls::  
  
Ron: "Sorry. Bumped into it."::turns it off.::  
  
Hermione::looks at all the people gathered:: "It's strange, don't you think that such a popular meeting place is called the 'Forrbidden Forest?"  
  
Dumbledore:"I see what you mean. From now on..it shall be the 'Sternly- warned-against Forest."  
  
Guy: "It's not a forest! It's a DUNGEON!"  
  
Hermione: "Didn't you go to see the Matrix movie?"  
  
Guy::shrugs:: "We're locked in."  
  
Narrator: "You know what? This play didn't really go anywhere."  
  
::Everyone agrees::  
  
SpyOfNabiki: "I really have no idea how to end this so..er...the end, I guess." 


End file.
